Practices for Mindful Communication

5 Practices for Mindful Communication

MARCH 14, 2013

tags: beliefs, buddhism, coaching, cognitive skills, conflict, emotional contagion, emotional intelligence, empathy, human resources, intentions,mindfulness, motivation, neuroscience, patience, personal growth, practice,workplace relationships, zen

It’s getting difficult not to bump into the word mindfulness these days. While mindfulness is mostly associated with meditation, I like to think of it as a way of being in the world.

Mindfulness meditation “practice” is valuable – and it will likely have multiple ripple effects in every corner of your life.  A new study at The University of Utah has confirmed its benefits and shown that mindfulness affects stress responses throughout the day. According to researcher Holly Rau,“People who reported higher levels of mindfulness described better control over their emotions and behaviors during the day.”

Magic? No. Methodical practice of retraining the brain to respond to stimulus differently builds cognitive flexibility in ways we are just beginning to understand.

In an age of looking outside of ourselves for solutions, mindfulness practice turn out to be the ultimate insider “strategy.” The magic of mindfulness is that it rearranges neural networks in powerful ways. And the great news is that we are the “tool” that makes it possible.  Apps can remind us when to breathe, sit and slow down, but only we can make it happen.   

Sitting on the “Cushion” is the “Easy” Part

It took me a long time to establish a regular mediation practice.  My resistance wasn’t very creative. Like many of us, I was too busy, too distracted and too hesitant to sit down with myself and do “nothing.” While I had long admired many mindfulness practitioners around me, I couldn’t get my act together to block out a small chunk of time everyday to sit.

Fortunately, I did establish a daily practice.  Meditation practice has been one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.  But soon I realized that my mindfulness practice didn’t have to be confined to meditation.  Meditation is the anchor. The real practice was to stay mindfully present to what was happening around me – on the cushion – and off.

Several Zen teachers, like well-known American Roshi Bernard Glassman have used the metaphors of cooking to demonstrate that every task of life offers an opportunity to practice acts of mindfulness.  In their Instructions to the Cook, Glassman and Tricycle editor Rick Fields write, “When we cook-and live-with this kind of attention, the most ordinary acts and the humblest ingredients are revealed as they truly are.” The authors point out that when we practice mindful attention, every ingredient is used in the cooking. “Our body is an ingredient, our relationships are ingredients. Our thoughts, our emotions and all our actions are ingredients. With practice, our territory expands and all the objects of the world become our ingredients.”

Communicating with others can offer one of the greatest opportunities to practice mindfulness.  Our daily communication with family, friends and work colleagues is filled with abundant possibilities to stay present to how we feel and act – moment to moment.  Practicing mindful communication necessitates that we slow down and allow ourselves to really look at the choices we make with others.

While it may be easy to communicate with kindness and respect to those we care about, how far does that regard extend to those who try our patience? How considerate are we with people we’ll never meet again? How gracious are we when pressures mount?  How mindful do we believe we should be with people we don’t like?

In considering the mindful treatment of others, I often recall the sterling advice of Buddhist scholar and teacher Robert Thurman.  Asked by several of my classmates how to practice mindfulness most effectively, the often jocular professor suggested that we all get a cup of coffee from the corner “deli” as a start.  His remarks left several students baffled; Thurman elaborated, “The guy in the deli doesn’t have a very exciting job. He’s not well paid and people give him a hard time all day.” How do you treat him? Are you kind? Are you impatient? Do you ask how his day is going? This is mindfulness practice – the nitty-gritty mechanics of daily life.  How we act is a reflection of what we think and how we feel.

Mindfulness Practice in Action

Our Instructions to the Cook assure us that “Right now, right in front of us we have everything we need to begin. But the Zen cook knows that we can’t prepare a meal if the kitchen is cluttered with last night’s dishes. In order to see the ingredients we already have in our lives, we need to clear a space.”

So it’s useful to clear our space before we bring our mindfulness practice to our communication.  Here are 5 practices that can help us:

1. Understand what you believe and why. We’re motivated by beliefs that are often unconscious and can impede what we consciously intend.  There is a presence that is really who you are (let’s call this the you who is aware of you) that transcends the forces of the belief systems that are shaping your behavior.  This awareness needs constant activation.  We are operating from beliefs that drive every element of our communication – “I don’t have time for this.” “She’s not sincere,” “He doesn’t get it,” “I need to get this done now,” “I’ve told her this a million times.” It’s impossible to stay mindfully present unless you understand what’s motivating your feelings and behavior in the moment. It’s in that moment of awareness – that you can shift your response unless you believe it’s not worth it. 
2. Accept that your perceptions are always limited and that your mindfulness task is to open your mind and heart to see more. Committing to mindfulness practice, especially when communicating with others, requires acceptance that you never arrive.  You never master it. There is always something new to learn and to see. When we open ourselves more deeply to the experience of others the constant unfolding of learning is surprising. These realizations can transform the most mundane of human “transactions” into gratifying moments of connection.
3. Bring your empathy, however weak, to every communication. There’s a wonderful saying that’s making the rounds online these days, “Be kind, everyone is carrying a heavy burden.” You get the point. We simply have no idea what people are “carrying” despite their facades. Imagine a day spent meeting others from your most empathetic place.  Your empathy will naturally translate into different communication choices.  In many cases, you will feel a qualitative shift in the responses you get from others.  Emotional contagion is real, and your conscious intent to understand others from where they sit – will be felt.
4. Start recognizing the role your judgment plays in how you communicate. I’m not referring to your discerning rational mind – rather the way your judgment reduces or devalues the other person in your communication.  The more I practice mindful communication, the more I see judgment as corrosive and toxic. Since we are always emotionally triggering ourselves and others, a judgment is instantly felt.  The brain is always monitoring for reward and threat, so we can’t expect anything other than some form of defensive response from others when they feel judged.
5. Our intentions need to be linked to our outcomes. For the Zen Cook the old adage “A watched pot never boils” is half-true. We leave the lid on the pot for most of the time, but we also lift the lid every once in a while to taste the food.  We form intentions to use as a gentle rudder to guide us in our communication. We stay open to what others are trying to communicate.  While we cannot know (without asking) what a positive outcome would be for the other person, we can commit to contributing to creating a supportive atmosphere.

The soft path of mindful communication is the path of the heart. Terms such as these often seem incompatible with hard business needs.  That’s one of the beliefs we must practice to overcome. The results will provide us with the ROI (return on investment) we need.

But most important, mindful communication requires us to reshape our field of awareness in every interaction.  It asks – what can I bring to this communication, rather than  what can I get from it.  What qualities – kindness, acceptance, patience, lightness, humor, strength – can I offer?  When we communicate mindfully, every interaction is fresh – filled with the opportunity and open to discovery.

Daily life can be messy – misunderstandings with others – inevitable.  Sometimes the meditation cushion seems like a retreat from it all – a wonderful refuge from the storm.  But for every human interaction we mindfully engage, we can emerge enriched.  Mindfulness pioneer Sylvia Boorsteinwisely reminds us, “Mindfulness doesn’t change life. Life remains as fragile and unpredictable as ever. What changes is the heart’s capacity to accept life as it is. It teaches the heart to be more accommodating; not by beating it into submission, but by making it clear that accommodation is a gratifying choice.”

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, subscribe, share, like and tweet this article. It’s appreciated.

Louise Altman, Partner, Intentional Communication Consultants

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Related articles: 10 Ways to Bring More Mindfulness to Your Work Day, The 5 Habits of an Empathetic Communicator, Workplace Relationships: You Have to Care, Even 5 Minutes of Mediation Can Change the Way You Work 

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How often have you had a conversation with someone, and thought you were paying attention to him or her, only to realize shortly afterwards that you can't remember what he said? Or, perhaps you got distracted while he was speaking and missed the message that he was trying to deliver.

In today's busy world, it can be hard to shut out distractions such as noise and electronic devices, and our own thoughts or reactions can draw us away from a conversation. So, how can we listen more effectively? When we listen "mindfully," we can be aware of these barriers and still remain open to the speaker's ideas and messages.

In this article, we explore mindful listening and suggest simple ways you can use this technique to improve your listening skills.

What Is Mindful Listening?

In his 1994 book, Wherever You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, says mindfulness  means "paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally."

Mindfulness encourages you to be aware of the present moment, and to let go of distractions and your physical and emotional reactions to what people say to you. When you're not mindful, you can be distracted by your own thoughts and worries, and fail to see and hear what other people are doing and saying.

Communication expert Rebecca Shafir suggests that the average person can remember only 25 percent of what someone has said, just a few minutes after a conversation. The goal of mindful listening is to silence the internal noise of your own thoughts, so that you can hear the whole message, and so that the speaker feels understood.

Tip:

Some people are skeptical of mindfulness because it falls into the category of "alternative medicine" or "natural remedies." It can be difficult to see the mindfulness elements of living in the moment and focused breathing as practical business tools. The pros and cons of mindfulness at work are examined in our blog post, Exploring Mindfulness.

How to Listen Mindfully

Often, we perform activities and interact with people without thinking. Listening mindfully is a process of "waking up" from that unconsciousness. In his study, "Get Out of Your Own Head: Mindful Listening for Project Managers," author Charlie Scott describes three key elements of mindful listening that you can use to improve your listening skills:

1. Being present. When you listen mindfully, your focus  should be on the person you are listening to, without distractions. So, how do you do that?

• Simplify your surroundings: workplaces are full of distractions like phones, computers, printers, and electronic devices. Keep your workspace tidy, and mute your devices.
• Give yourself time: take a minute or two to clear your mind before you meet with someone. Practice a few relaxation techniques , such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation, before the conversation.
• Meditate: meditation  is a way of practicing mindfulness and can be an excellent way of learning how to focus on the moment. When you empty your mind of "clutter," you can make room for other people's points of view. Meditation is like many other exercises – the more you do it, the better at it you will become. It can be difficult to find time in a busy schedule for meditation, but even five or 10 minutes a day can help.

2. Cultivating empathy. We often see the world through the lens of our own experiences, personality and beliefs. When you're empathic, you can understand a situation from someone else's point of view. Our article, Empathy at Work , describes a number of strategies you can use to develop this skill. For example, you can validate her perspective by acknowledging her opinion. It does not mean you have to agree with her, just that you accept she has a different view of a situation from you.

3. Listening to your own "cues." According to Scott, our cues are the thoughts, feelings and physical reactions we have when we feel anxious or angry, and they can block out ideas and perspectives that we're uncomfortable with. Mindful listening can help us to be more aware of our cues, and allow us to choose not to let them block communication.

The rule is straightforward: simply "Listen!" Listen carefully and attentively. Pay complete attention to the other person, and don't let other thoughts – like what you are going to say next – distract you.

What Are the Benefits of Mindful Listening?

Mindful listening goes beyond active listening , which provides a checklist of actions to follow but doesn't necessarily prompt you, the listener, to monitor thoughts, feelings or reactions that might affect what you hear. Instead, mindful listening can help you to become aware of distractions so you can refocus and listen consciously.

In her 2000 book, "The Zen of Listening," Shafir says mindful listening helps you to:

• Retain information.
• Pause before you speak so you can consider the effect of your words.
• Pay attention for longer.
• Boost your self-esteem.

Shafir and Scott also suggest mindful listening can potentially have physical and psychological benefits. Shafir likens focusing on another person to stroking a pet – you forget about yourself, your blood pressure drops, and you feel calmer. And Scott says it can reduce anxiety  and increase positive feelings.